Because even the most hardened nurse needs a little love.
Its been another crazy shift.
And now you are home you have a hankering for some serious rumpy-pumpy post traumatic stress relief with the one you love.
But alas, you find your partner already in bed reading The Economist and wearing some sort of thick green sludgy avocado face mask on his/her face.
The signs do not look good.
After mastering a few basic competencies you will be offloading that pent up stress and feeling the love before you can hang your stethoscope on the bedroom doorknob and yell….Geronimo!
I will start with the competency standards for the male nurses because they are a little more complex and far less understood:
set the scene.
Foreplay begins now.
Set the scene before you leave for work.
Its those little corn-ball things that you read about in women’s magazines that really do count….
Like buying him/her some flowers,
or leaving a little note tucked in their luchbox,
or giving them a big hug while they are making breakfast,
or writing: I am dying for a shag, and if I don’t have you every which way in every room of the house including the garden shed by sun-up my private parts are going to explode, in large black letters on the fridge.
take a shower.
Nothing will pour iced water on those flames of passion like a subtle musky aroma of Melena wafting between you.
Or the fragment top notes of a regurgitated, semi-digested Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a side of dried blood hanging in the air.
Make a bee line from the front door to the shower and scrub-a dub dub.
Once all those nooks and crannies are squeaky clean use a hint of aftershave.
Every male nurse should have their own signature scent. It helps us mark out our territories and identify each other when we are covered in full personal protective equipment.
My own preference is Cool Water by Davidoff: a blend of Mandarin, Kiwi, Cactus, Clary Sage, Cedar, Elemi, White Musk, Hinokiwood, and Smokey Gaiacwood.
Now that should cover the smell of any shift.
Careful though, don’t overdo it….just a homoeopathic wafting.
Oh, and whilst you are in the shower, a couple of do nots:
- Do not fart loudly.
- Do not sing Act II from Verdi’s Il Trovatore at the top of your lungs.
- Do not blow snot out of your nose one nostril at a time.
- Do not get out of the shower and wave your willy around like a helicopter making woo woo noises.
- Working as a nurse, you may have become de-sensitised to see these as all perfectly acceptable behaviours.
Maybe so, but they are not romantic ones.
Set some boundaries man.
ancient secrets of foreplay.
I’m now going to give you a ancient secret instruction passed down an unbroken lineage of male nurses since the Celtic sages of King Arthur. A powerful foreplay incantation that will leave your significant other powerless to resist your most kinky desires.
It will de-calcify her backbone leaving her but love-putty in your hands.
Here it is: Clean……The……House.
Use this power only for good.
Remember you are not at work any more.
Take a few seconds to let the shift drop away before engaging with your partner.
In order to set the mood, don’t talk shop when you get home.
Rather, ask about your partners day.
And for the love of Mike, stay focused when lovemaking. Yelling out STAND CLEAR! at the moment of climax may cause more than a little alarm for your partner. Or not. Whatever.
and for the females.
So. I have covered the complex rituals and preparatory competencies that male nurses should master in order to get some loving.
Now it’s time for the ladies. And the competency standards are essentially the same.
Except for one exception. If the one you love happens to be a male nurse it is a little more simple:
Step 1: turn up.
Step 2: undress.
Featured image via: Numinosity.